If you’d have asked me what I am most scared of five years ago I’d likely have said heights. My belly flips at the thought, my chest flutters, I get jittery, then I freeze in place.

Other people you ask may answer very quickly with: snakes, spiders, needles, flying… We all tend to carry a ‘phobia’ of sorts with us through our lives. Or an intense fear or anxiety over something. We’ve embedded sub conscious ways to avoid those things that we fear the most.

Thinking my ‘thing I’m most afraid of’ was heights, I was rather surprised with the wave of anxiety that would come over me then at even the thought of going for a coffee, or a meal alone. I would go travelling and while away that would feel okay because sitting down to a meal or coffee was part of the wider experience. I would people watch, rest, use the loos, or read my maps. But just to go for coffee in my own city and hang out with my own thoughts?! Why would I? It felt like I’d be disconnected, alone, vulnerable. I worried what would other people think of me? How would I act ‘normal’? What if I was asked to leave?

Jump forward to now and I find it exceptionally hard to miss a date with myself. It has become a critical part of the fabric of my life and feeling connected and fulfilled. I crave time with myself, my own thoughts, my sub-conscious mind’s space to come out and play a little. What changed for me? And why is this such a critical part of my lifestyle now?

Up until that point in my life (when I started trying coffee dates alone) I hadn’t questioned anything too much. I kept doing the next thing. It almost flowed—moving through a checklist of sorts felt like there was some certainty in place. Yet when I reached a burn out and the simple structures that were holding my lifestyle together suddenly felt flawed and disruptive to feeling safe and energised, I had to question myself (possibly for the first time). Starting small, with some down time and a coffee at my local cafes each day I learnt three incredibly valuable life lessons. They’re ingrained into my psyche now and guide me every single day to keep connecting back to what feels right for me. What lights me. What makes me feel good, happy, joyful, engaged in my life fully.

• Firstly, I had to challenge my triggered thoughts about everyone else judging me as I sat at the café, alone. Dismantling my beliefs around external comparison meant I put me back in control of what I could control (myself).
• Second, the simple act of starting small with a coffee date with myself meant I started to reshape my own personal boundaries. I had to redefine what was most important to my personal wellbeing and start to prioritise myself. Over time it allowed me to also be more aware of my own intuition or body’s signals for when I most needed some down time to recharge and replenish.
• Third, the more I went on coffee dates the more I started to depend on the time alone. Which also meant I started to turn down social invites that would disrupt my routine or ‘take time’ away from my me time. I learnt how to say No. Which, as it turns out, was another one of the scariest things I’ve ever done in my life!

I’ll share next week my advice for getting started with dating yourself. 5 steps to get you going. Trust me, you’ll get hooked pretty quickly.

Creating a life you truly love is about consistent evolution. One step at a time closer and closer to your true self. Want to connect in person? Our next two London workshops are almost here! Check our our events page for more details daniellebrooker.com/events. This post could be just what someone in your life most needs to hear right now. After all, we’re all humans and it’s nice to know our internalising of our thoughts it just what everyone else is experiencing. We’d love for you to share this with them below